Be Not Afraid

From October 17, 2010

Today we sang "Be Not Afraid" in Mass. I think that this might just be my favorite hymn. It is very apropos to sing a hymn about wandering in the desert and relying on God when we are facing the fact that people wander through the desert into this country and we will be wandering in the desert of Tuesday. I feel that I will not get through this week, especially Tuesday, without Him. The one part that is resonating with me right now is "And if wicked tongues insult and hate you all because of me, blessed, blessed are you." Being hated does not seem like a blessing. But the Bible, especially the Gospels, are full of seeming contradictions. I think right now I am wrestling with these seeming contradictions and I am trying to understand them. Why would God call us onto a path that will not be east. Why is salvation hard and what is right always the wrong thing in the eyes of society? Why do we treat others like dirt and sub-humans in the name of freedom and justice?

Blessed Be the Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I keep hearing this song everywhere, at Praise and Worship, on the radio, popping at random times in my head. This

song comes from the Book of Job.  Job tells the story of a man who lived in the land of Uz (Job). He was blessed by the Lord and had many things: children, camels, oxen etc. He was God-fearing and avoided evil. He was a good guy. One day, Satan came before the Lord. God said, "Have you seen Job? He is pretty awesome and no one is like him!" Satan says, "He is surrounded by blessings. If he was suffering, he would not be blessing your name." Then God allows Satan to control all of the things Job has been blessed with. In the end, everything is taken away from Job. After these things have happened, Job says "Naked I came forth from my mother's womb, and naked shall I go back again. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. blessed be the name of the Lord!" (Job 1:21). This class I am taking on suffering is really testing what I have believed my whole life, and I am struggling to come to terms with suffering and Divine providence. We haven't talked about natural suffering (earthquakes, tornadoes, etc.), but we have talked about suffering by human free choice. I am accept that humanity has fallen and we the choices we make can hurt others. But were we created like this? The professor of my class takes up the stance that suffering was even necessary to be elevated into the Beatific Vision. Through a really complicated process, we saw how he has come to this conclusion. But where I am struggling is, is suffering necessary? If humanity had never sinned, and we remained in our state of original grace, would we be elevated to the Beatific Vision? If we do have to suffer, how could our loving God create a world like this? I can bless the name of the Lord when life is going well, and I can even bless the name of the Lord when there is suffering because of our world, but can I bless his name when suffering is necessary for my salvation? I think a lot of my confusion is over this class, and my dealing with a very difficult topic to wrestle with. But, how can God willingly allow Satan to harm a child of his, a child who trusts him so completely?

Broken Records.

Sorry for the immense neglect of this blog the past couple of months. School hit me hard and unexpectedly. I don't know what it is about this semester: if it is the lack of a true summer vacation or this new internship that I haven't had to balance in in the past, or something else, but I have not been in school mode this first half of the semester. I also haven't been praying as much, and let me tell you, if you think that a few minutes in prayer a day don't make a difference, try going without them and you turn into me last Friday. I was drained. Literally running on empty. I couldn't process anything and at some points I could barely stand up. I was in a complete fog and schoolwork and work-work alike were neglected. I hope my essay I turned in last week was okay. I barely remember it. I NEED to find the time for prayer, time to devote totally to God. Right now I feel like a hypocrite: the life I led and the life I preached this summer is currently a lie. I am not living Totus Tuus. Why should all of those kids believe me when I don't even live the life. I miss daily Mass, but unfortunately it is hard to get my schedule to go with it. But a few minutes of prayer a day is a lot, and I need to do it! I can do it! And after 20+ hours of sleep this weekend, I think I am ready to fix my lack of prayer and make God more a part of my life. I feel like a broken record, saying this over and over, but sometimes I take two steps back and one forward, but the important thing is that eventually I do make it forward, even if it is just a tiny bit. A relationship with God is not a one time thing, but a life long journey. I am just trying to stay on the path.

After a long time away...

Sorry I haven't updated all summer. I was working with Totus Tuus in the Diocese of Tulsa all summer and had very, very, very limited internet access. I just have to say...this summer was AMAZING! I grew so much in my prayer life and my relationship with God. This summer gave me a new outlook on my future and what I am planning to do with my life. I am wanting to write down my life, especially this what happened this summer. I want to compile my journal entries into a coherent memoir. I think I will do that in little installments on this blog, so if anyone is reading out there, you can stay tuned. :-)

My awesome team!